This post goes way off in to left field from how I portray myself and what I write about, but after months of thinking things over I felt this is going to be my healing or at least a step in a direction that will allow me to stop thinking I can just ignore my past and push things down to move on. In the last few days I put together the fact that I DO own a blog and I maybe can get the courage to talk by typing which is more comfortable than in person and if it can help someone else then maybe that is my purpose. So here it is.The way I have drafted it to not just list facts, but relate it to who I have been and let it lead me to where I want to be. Sorry for the length, but hard to shorten....
Who I am now is a Wife to the best husband ever and a Mom to 2 stepsons and my almost 4 year old. I married to my husband 6 years ago. When I came in to the relationship with my husband, I had told him where I spent the last 5 1/2 years of my life. I can even say that I only told my husband because I was in such a fragile state and he had 2 boys and if it was possible I can be of danger, I needed him to know right away.Since then, I have been good at pushing down the memories and fears so I can move on. I am not one to want pity and not one to dwell on things which is probably my demise to never speaking about it again to anyone..not even my husband after that night.
Who I was 8 years ago was a woman on the run. Over 5 years prior I started to date a man who was a nice and attractive guy. He was a Commercial Fisherman as well as a contractor and we started dating just prior to him leaving on his summer Alaska run. I had started to fall for him and then we kept in touch long distance after about 8 weeks of dating. It was the Puppy Love Letters and rare calls he would make. I knew he was just as into me as I was to him. He returned 2 months later and I had already fallen. He immediately suggested we move in together and it worked for a while before his true colors came out. I can't say it was like a light switch turned on.it would start by him yelling or degrading me which would upset me and he would apologize and be great for a while. Then, if I recall correctly the first time was a night we had people over for some drinks. They left and he got upset over something that I can't recall and long story short..I was running upstairs to a neighbors pounding on their door screaming he was trying to kill me. I had been running all over the house out the doors and around the cars as he was chasing me with a knife. My neighbors let me in and I stayed all night afraid to leave and the cops were not called on my request because I was afraid it would make him more angry and things would be worse. The next day..sweet as ever. He even cried and told me that it wasn't like him.He never would hurt me-blah, blah, blah(this is where I become a victim) and I believed him! Fast forward 5 years later and he has completely withdrawn me from my family and any friends. I became his prisoner. I was living the abused life spending everyday afraid how that day would end. And the days he was OK was almost just as uneasy because it was rare and so I felt at any moment as the day came to an end, it was coming. I have, to name a few instances, been beat by just about anything he could lift, I have had loaded guns to my head, I even had him release a Pit bull towards me as he egged it on to attack (this was a mean dog and I am thankful for my gift to attract the best out of an animal). I have had him try and run his truck off the road and roll it on my side to try and hurt me while driving. It was unsuccessful, so he grabbed me through the broken window and I still have a scar near my elbow from that laceration. I can remember a spot I had to hide when we lived in a particular complex. It was thick brush that had the perfect location. It was under an elementary school window and to the left I can see our complex and know where he was as he would come looking for me and in front of me about 200 yards was the fence to the Sheriff's Office. I can remember spending hours there afraid to come out..he never knew of that spot! When he would beat me real bad, he would imprison me in our home. He would make me call in sick to work and keep me hidden till my scars disappeared. He would do this so he didn't risk me seeking medical attention or involving police. He spoke so angrily towards police that I can say I avoided calling them knowing he would have no problem setting one up to hurt them. Sounds twisted, but when you live your life in fear, you are not a rational person anymore. I can remember laying in bed so hurt and feeling wet in my ear only to find blood on my finger..those were the nights I would not fall asleep. I knew I had trauma and falling asleep could result in me not waking in the morning. I can remember wearing hats and bandannas because my head was so full of welts it hurt to stand under a shower head and run a brush through my hair. Then towards the end, I began to prepare myself to leave him. I really thought to leave him was impossible to accomplish and make it out alive. I began to prepare for death. Harsh, but I truly became at peace with that. I felt if I leave and he kills me, it was better then living the way I was. Then something happened..something I would finally think clearly about and use what was left of my brain and realize that he was disappearing to a new neighbors apartment a lot. It dawned on me that this girl I think he was falling for could be my way out. So I started encouraging him to go. He would ask me to come along and instead of allowing jealousy to play or causing friction. I allowed it. I prayed every night for a sign it was time. Looking back I was in a state of surrealism. A state where you keep yourself in a relationship like this because you have trained yourself to defend him. To hide your circumstance from everyone. You do this because of the consequences you face if he finds out you are talking and sharing the truth with others. Co-workers, looking back, would be so gentle with me and anyone who got close only got so far and then they were gone. I cannot blame those who refused to see past and defend me. In fact, I would have thanked them as I did not want friction and I wanted no one to confront him or I would get punished. It became a mission to get good at hiding how I was living. To make others think everything is OK. That my behavior is just me being me. Back to the ending...one night (after he allowed me to fly home for my Sisters graduation for some odd reason as he always kept me away) I ran in to my (now)husband after knowing him in the past but it had been over 6 years since I had sen him. He was in a newly divorced state and here I was looking for a sign. I flew back home and cried the entire flight so afraid to go back. I arrived at the airport and could not find my boyfriend. Then some strange man walked up and asked if I was Erinn. I reluctantly answered and he introduced me as a coworker of my boyfriend and was sent to pick me up. Why did he not come..he had been drinking and wanted to be at the lake..and guess who was one of the people at the lake? The new neighbor. This was it! This was the time. I called him, told him my Dad was ill (he wasn't) and I was real uneasy about coming home and needed to drive back. He blew up on me and ordered me to stay home and wait for him..he was coming right home. Oh no! I would get it now. He showed up with a few friends and I was packing my car. This WAS IT. If he wants to take me out, so be it. I had called my boss who was great in understanding why I would not be working for her anymore and gave her family numbers...just in case. I hid all credit cards and important documents he would need when on his own, but if he saw them laid out he would know my plan. My plan was to hint I was gone for good, but I still would say I plan on returning, just need to leave. He was calm! He watched me load my car and I had my dog jump in (I only took some clothes and her). Everything else I knew was just stuff and would never be seen by me again. He hugged me then gave me that look. The look I fear and slammed the front door shut. I paused a second then panicked."The guns!" He could be grabbing the guns. I ran like hell to my car, jumped in and stepped on the gas so hard as if I could magically make it take of faster then it was meant to and of I flew. I never looked back! I knew he didn't know where my boss lived so I stopped there first. I wanted her to know I did it and I am still alive. She handed me the only cash she had on her which was $20 and I said goodbyes and drove the 8 hours home to my parents at 8pm at night with $20 and my dog. I lived the first while in fear. I had just one neighbor keeping tabs for me that I trusted and she was to alert me if she heard his motives or saw him pack up to leave. She did call once and when I saw her number I panicked. I answered and she said he needed to talk. I thought this was my way to know his motives..I needed to know if I should be afraid still. He begged me to come home-blah, blah, blah. That's about it. He was not angry, not mad. He apologized for the life he led me to (That Creep! Hearing him apologize was the worst gut-wrenching thing to ever hear). I knew then I had made it out. Everything would be OK. I was out and safe.
To look back at myself, I can say that I was not myself. I was defensive and living in a panicked frame of mind. I was tortured, I was always afraid and I was even at a point that I was not suicidal, but at an extreme peace about dying. I really feel there is no way to break through the mind of someone being abused. Their is no way in. The wall is too strong and it will be their will to keep it up. Abuse will make you blind to others feelings, it will make you do whatever it takes to keep distance. To those who have ever been frustrated and distanced themselves from someone in this situation, you have not been pushed away because you are not wanted.You ARE wanted. You do mater and just knowing you refuse to let them push you away and that you acknowledge that they don't want friction so all you have for them is words.Words to let them know you are there and words to just say " I Love You". Despite my ignorance and silent reactions sometimes, I heard every one's words. It comforted me to know that when the time came there was someone out their who always reassured me they would help. It was those I used to confide in on my way out. A supportive boss I could report to and a neighbor I could use to keep an ear out for me. If you have become distant to someone out there who is in this situation you need to say those words. The most important words are just that: "I love you and I am here for you when you decide you need me"- that's it. You may not get much of a reaction, but those words and that comfort may be just what they need to support them one day when they decide to seek that help. And to anyone reading this who is in a similar situation. Just pray. Pray for courage. Pray for the strength to dig deep and find that peace that will allow you to move on. I had to move in with my parents and find work. And as desperate for money as I was, I took my very first paycheck and put a $20 bill in a card and mailed it back to my boss. It was my small gesture of a thank you and I will never forget that gesture! I am now married and have a beautiful son. What brought me to this point was this past Feb. The hardest time I still have with things is when I am alone. Every Feb and sometimes in the Fall, my husband leaves the state for a few days for a conference. That is when I have a hard time with being paranoid. I triple and quadruple check all doors and windows. My son sleeps with me and I get hardly any sleep. This past Feb, for some reason was especially hard and I have had a tough time getting over it. I had become good and pushing down the fear and hiding my feelings and I seemed to have lost that ability. I felt there was no one I could talk to or maybe I was just finding excuses as to why I can't talk to certain people so that I didn't have to talk about it. It has led to my husband being uneasy with me being withdrawn and even people asking lately if I'm OK and I always find reasons to not explain but the truth. I blame work or money..all lies, but not to harm or hurt anybody though.
This has been a pivotal week for me to begin to speak up and get real. To find the strength to stand up and defend what needs to be defended and give myself to those who need it. To see others in need and be too self-pitied to step up and help them is weight I have bared for too long now. I have not been a good friend to many and I have taken too long to stand up for those who may have needed me. I have an urge to put an end to dwelling within myself on the past and need to acknowledge what is real and where my energy needs to be. I have a beautiful family and a great job and I have nothing to be negative about. I want to be a better friend to those I have ignored or pushed away and I want to be a better wife and feel whole again. It is surreal to look back and dwell on my past. It feels pitiful to still have the need to talk about it 8 years later, but I do not want pity. I want to explain myself is all and I don't want to have to tell the story over and over to many people when I could have it out there for those who know me or those who need to benefit from my story.
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